Evading the Mirror
Have you ever tried to find a verse to prove you’re right and another person is wrong only to have God point scripture after scripture back at YOU? (If not, you’re better than I am!) I’ve done it in the past and it amazes me how God finds things to teach me.
Now-a-days, I typically have 5-6 bible studies (via the YouVersion Holy Bible App) that I listen to throughout my day while driving in between patients. I typically feel comfort in having God’s word spoken over me.
NOT TODAY! NO PEACE!
Last year, before my healing/learning season began, I was in the throes of cover ups, lies, self-pity, desperation, some past hurt, some anger (justified or not), and I left my life and had plans of hittin’ the road and going, well, I have no idea, but maybe Alaska. Thankfully God sent someone who saw through it all and started me on a spiritual awakening.
During that time, I went to a family member of a loved one and accused that loved one of being awful (ironic, right!). Let me save you (and them) some heartache: I don’t recommend it!!! I DO recommend though having such a person in your life who leads you to an unbiased, non-judgmental journey to honesty, love, healing, self-discovery, and GOD.
These two people without knowing at the time, ultimately allowed God to work through them to not only save my life, but to bring me back to the foundation of what I was created for.
Anyone who has reached their own pit of hell knows the damage you create while there can continue to resurface in situations for a long time. During therapy, church, work, conversations and third-party feedback, I am constantly reminded of the beach (we’ll use the nicer term, but you can imagine what I mean: it’s not sand and sunshine) that you have become.
Today, God was holding that mirror up to my entire life. Not only in the above-mentioned situation, but in many others over the past 1 to 48 years of my life. (Have I mentioned I’m a slow learner?)
Psalm 139: 4 – For there is not a word in my tongue, But, lo O Lord, though knowest it altogether.
Psalm 139: 23-24. Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts. And see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.
Throughout my life, while parenting my children, in my relationship with the man who has my whole heart, amongst my relationship with my parents, brother/sister-in-law and so many others I hold dear… I don’t believe I deliberately sought to hurt, destroy, or disrespect them. Our actions, reactions and behaviors just sometimes don’t coincide with what our inner heart intends due to emotional issues, past trauma, hurt and disappointment.
Or does it?
Luke 6:45. "The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks."
Proverbs 4:23. "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."
While I like to assume none of us WANTS to hurt, harm or even upset those we truly love, I think the lesson we are missing is that if we CHOOSE to continue in patterns/actions that are not God instructed, then aren’t we really choosing to hurt those around us?
What if I get my feelings hurt and allow myself to get overly angry, say something snarky, condescending or mean that hurts the person I love instead of praying first or trying to work it out calmly? Am I not then choosing to punish, hurt, control or run from a person I love in protection of my own selfish perseverance or stubbornness against change/being wrong instead of seeking God’s instruction first? There are many instances when I was parenting where I chose yelling, screaming or forced submissiveness over Godly speech (neither were kind or compassionate).
If someone I love hasn’t behaved or had the same beliefs or thoughts like I do, I have chosen to get judgmental or make snide comments to “get their attention”.
Or what if I need to “just vent” and do it to people not on the same spiritual track? (Spoiler alert, that’ just gossiping about those you love!)
How about if I know they aren’t acting spiritually appropriate according to scripture, and I hold them accountable to the point of submission?
Newsflash: NOT MY JOB! God instructs us to love one another, period. Not agree with, not correct their actions (unless done out of love and scripturally accurately), not be the judge and jury. We are to love, forgive, and pray for others. And speak kindness, goodness and God’s love to one another. We are to treat everyone this way but especially those we love, which I find is whom I fail the most! Remembering things of my past, it haunts my spirit and makes me physically ill, to know how not only my actions have hurt those I treasure most, but now my words too. It’s almost too much to carry.
Ephesians 4:32. "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God has forgiven you." Thankfully, God and I have an agreement, He shows me my wrongs, I ask His forgiveness. If only, it was that easy in real life.
What began in therapy as learning about my codependent issues, led to me finally looking in the mirror God was holding up and seeing my own heart. It led me to fall at God’s feet and seek His intention, not mine. Not His plans for the woman I have been, but for the kind of woman I WANT to become for Him. A woman that God, and my loved ones, can be proud of. Every day, life tests me, and some days I fail miserably (today included). But each day is an opportunity to find a lesson in reactions, behaviors and intentional growth.
As I’ve mentioned, I believe chemical imbalances/family medical history and upbringing/environment/experiences can be influential in who we are formed into. EXCEPT IT’S SO MUCH MORE than those excuses we hide behind! It’s immersing yourself in God’s word. It’s being HONEST enough to ask God to uncover your inner heart, your darkest demons, and being open to Him showing you these parts of you little by little so you can correct them. It’s asking God to help heal and teach your heart a new way of living and loving. It’s following God’s word to be vulnerable enough to confide in a spiritual mentor who can direct you not by your own wants but by God’s design. It’s not for the faint of heart. You will lose people in the process who are not on the same wave as you. It can also be your salvation in that you are fulfilling God’s destiny for you.
Trust God’s plan, always keep your heart (eyes, ears, body and soul) set on him and surround yourself with those who love you enough to trust God’s plan, not their own. The storm is great, and it will take all your strength to paddle through. It’s a good thing we have God’s strength to ride those rough waters!
Much Love and High Tide,
-A
