Beachy Days Ahead!!
I wanted to try to only post once/twice a week. However, it dawned on me that those who have read my posts up to now have seen only very intense, or dark, topics.
SO… I wanted to take a minute and say that while any type of healing (addiction, emotional, physical, or with the demons/idols inside of us) is often slower than we or those around us desire to put up with, I am more at peace now than I have been in years! When you have sunk as deep as I had into depression, sin and habits that were formed over a lifetime, it takes a while to get back to the surface and sunshine. Now, thanks to God’s relentless pursuit of me, unending mercy/love, and the love/support of those dearest to me: I feel like I have not only caught the right wave that God has intended, but I am legitimately headed for more beachy days than stormy days.
Do I still have bad days, you betcha!
Do I still sometimes cry 2 or 3 hours occasionally because of all I’ve lost and those I miss: ABSOLUTELY!
Does my heart ache for my best friend, my loved ones and a happier life? YEPPER!
Do I still fight daily battles of my demons: without a doubt, YES!
When we have caused so much hurt and heartache, it takes healing, prayer, and God to correct it all in HIS time.
Here’s the thing though: I have more trust in God today than I believe I ever have. I’m learning HOW TO release my trust to Him! I have peace knowing I am in His hands. I trust that those I love most in the world are too. God has shown me strength inside me: a strength I had forgotten. Mentally, I have good and bad days as does every human being, but I am oceans away from where I had found myself 16 months ago. I’m learning how to recognize the feelings and fight them. Emotionally: Well, I’m a woman and I’m pre-menopausal so there’s that! With the help of Dr. J and praying consistently throughout my day, I have found that my moods are lighter, and brighter, than they have been in years. My positivity related to my outlook on life is constantly popping up more frequently. My anxious thoughts: my new medicine helps ease that and prayer always calms me until it passes. That and a good suntan for vitamin D!! I still have a long way to go, but who doesn’t now a days?
My prayer today is that I never forget where I am right now. I think when we have gone through difficult times, whether it’s our fault or some outside source, we so easily forget what those times were like. There’s frustration, anger and disappointment when healing doesn’t happen quick enough. No matter how much I heal, or where life takes me, I pray that I never forget what the bottom of the ocean is like. For it was during these times when breathing seemed impossible, that God not only graciously visited me both physically and audibly; He held me, He loved me, He cried with me, He hurt with me, and He is continually giving me back the strength I thought I had lost. He is slowly giving me confidence. Not in myself, BUT IN HIM inside of me. He’s giving me my happy. He’s giving me fight. He’s giving me laughter. He’s giving me back my love for loving, celebrating and helping others to find their happy through Him. He’s showing me daily how I was literally nothing without Him. With Him at the helm of my life, I will still have rough seas, but there is always a sunny beach awaiting me if I let Him steer!
Thank you, God, for the heart wink today, thank you for the awesome ride, and thank you for always seeing the woman inside me that you were waiting for me to see and let loose!
Much Love and High Tide,
-A
