Stay… and walk away
I was working on a different blog over the past 2 weeks but Monday God slammed me hard upside the head with a message he’s been cultivating over the past year.
Bear with me, I don’t even know how to articulate this one without “sharing too much” or talking of things I’m not ready to talk about.
As you’ve read, the last 18 months have been my own personal version of purgatory in that I have caused more hurt, damage and pain to loved ones than I could have ever fathomed. Pile on the self-hate, guilt, shame… and well, you can imagine my mind set.
In the midst of this, one morning last summer God woke me and physically appeared before me. In less than 5 seconds, he unraveled my world. He showed me that the God I have worshiped my entire life… I do not trust, have not trusted, and struggle to turn over my trust to fully even now (I’m a work in progress).
Also, over the course of the last year, I learned that my most dominant primal instinct is to run. If I’m hurt, if I hurt others, if I’m angry, if others are angry with me, if I’m afraid, if I’m anxious, if anything is too much… I just want to disappear. Fighting is my greatest disablement in life. I lock up, my entire mental state goes into shut down mode and my ONLY thought is to go as far away as possible. I HATE fighting, despite what comes across due to my defensive, need to be right personality struggle…
Last year, during a couple of my episodes, a particular person God had placed in my life at the time, and without them knowing how crippling this was for me, taught me the significance and beauty of “stay”. God then began sending me this word “stay” incessantly. The past 9 months, periodically, God has reiterated this to me.
Fast forward to the past six weeks. I’ve been going through some extremely emotional and intense growth that includes a plethora of life altering revelations. In true God fashion, He chose this time to turn up the heat. Over and over and OVER, to the point of utter annoyance, He made this word know to my heart along with another phrase I don’t know if I’ll ever share. In my sleep, in scripture, when I wake at 4 a.m. in my quiet times, in random conversations, in songs…
The last two weeks, I got a little (or a lot) annoyed with God’s perseverance. I had multiple unguarded, gut wrenching, straightforward conversations with Him about the fact that I didn’t understand this word. Why? Seriously? How? I DON’T WANT TO!!!
Now, if you’ve ever been told something that is the opposite of what other people are telling you, then you can feel the frustration, confusion, self-doubt, mind numbing fear that has been dominating me.
Well, Monday He answered.
In a song.
When I heard the first few lines, I had to pull over and I cried for about 30 minutes.
(It should be noted that I don’t know if this song is a faith-based song, but I can assure you that GOD MADE IT ONE for me!)
“When the world’s on your shoulders
And you’re feeling alone
And you’d never tell
But you see yourself
As anything but strong
Take the guilt and the shame and the anger off your back
Let me help you unpack
Lay it down
Never pick it up again
This is where
Healing starts and hurting ends
It was if my entire life was wrapped in a song that brought me to this very moment. From feeling unspoken weight, hurt, disappointment, guilt from childhood to adulthood, single parenting, always “appearing” like I could handle it all, the insecurity that has plagued me leading to distrust of EVERYONE (including God); the I’m never good enough, the had to always be tough girl inside me CRUMBLED.
God was telling me to “stay”
… in this season, in this place, in this heart set He had me in, so I could learn to lay it all at His feet and walk away and FINALLY fully trust HIM… so He could then move me forward.
And He led me to…
Walk away from the guilt and shame
Walk away from the girl who is never enough
Walk away from being a horrible mother
Walk away from the regrets of so many choices in life that are “unforgivable”
Walk away from depression, fear, hurt, jealousy
Walk away from lifelong anxiety of trying to “live up to”
Walk away from the sadness I wallow in
Walk away from the shame of not sticking by the people I should’ve when it mattered
Walk away from the pain I feel at how much I’ve failed God
Walk away from the distrust
Walk away from the self-hate
So today I cried, I purged, I went to Him, I started laying it down so tomorrow I can rise and walk away….
God, thank you for your patience with me, thank you for loving me, thank you for dying on the cross that you could take a lifetime of so much crap away.
Restore in me the girl you showed me this weekend that I have been at times and that I can be again: the secure, happy, positive, life loving, people loving, supportive, prayerful, strong woman you are ready for me to become.
I will fail I’m sure and sometimes pick parts of it back up, please remind me then of the woman YOU SEE, not the girl I feel I am. Guide me in where to go next, may you lead me where you want me, may you direct my path always for the honor and glory of YOU and you alone.
Today I lay it down, tomorrow I wake up and begin living again.
I am forever yours…
Much Love and High Tide
-A
