Choosing God over Allowing Satan

I went from a girl who was not afraid of speaking in public to a woman who now second guesses every word and thought. Thankfully, God is helping me. But posts like this one are still hard to write, my fear has not completely gone away…. YET!

My first sexual experience was a guy kissing me and taking me to his house, telling me, “You can’t take a guy this far and not go all the way.”
Up until 8 years ago, I have never been with a man that has not cheated on me. A prostitute, a pornography addiction, or with other women. Before you start- please understand that’s not the intent for this post. I’m just giving background to a part of my life… I’m not mad at my past, just using it as an example of how I allowed Satan to use it.

The TRUE lesson God is showing me now is to stop focusing on the acts I perceived were intentional against me, and focus only on what I ALLOWED myself to become from those circumstances and WHY so I can work on changing the pattern within myself.
As a girl who was 5’8” by the 5th grade and shaped like an Elongate Twig Ant (look it up, you'll agree); I was often made fun of for not having breasts, hips or a butt like the other girls. Insecurity was inevitable When I started dating, I failed to acknowledge God’s will for how a relationship should be and instead, I placed all my worth on the attention, or reciprocated affection, of guys. As a guy would cheat, my insecurity told me to “love them” enough and they would love me back. I believed that I better do, be, say and act the right way or I would be tossed aside. My jealousy was born early and I fed it for years.
In October, God woke me up at 3:54 a.m. After trying to ignore Him, I did my quiet time. At the end, the prompt said to “be still and imagine God sitting beside you.” (Psalm 46:10) I closed my eyes and God appeared in front of me and asked me “What are you afraid of?” Within the span of 2-3 seconds, He flashed 35+ years of my life before me… and I told Him I’m afraid of being hurt. Every worry, fear, anxious, jealous thought I’ve ever had led to that one statement, my biggest fear. He looked at me and said, “Trust ME my child.”
I still get teary thinking about it. Because once again I’ve "tried" and yet failed at something He asked me to do. I have continually allowed Satan into my thoughts, into my head, into my heart and to lead my emotions. I ALLOWED… key words. No one made me, no one’s past actions made me react this way.
Someone I deeply respect told me a few months ago, “Every time a negative thought enters your mind, picture a stop sign and block it.” I was reminded of that conversation this week when another woman asked for help/advice. After 9 months, I thought I was past it. But I'm starting over again and my mind is back to visualizing stop signs again to kick Satan out.
Healing, growth, change, and forward movement does not happen overnight. If you have someone you love and they are addicted to a substance, they don’t just say “I’m clean” and live happily ever after. It can take months, or years, to break that habit. It’s the same with our emotional instability and insecurities. It took a lifetime of actions to form some of us, it doesn’t just go away because God’s word says for us to act different. Jealousy, insecurity, unworthiness, believing we are unlovable… they are all selfish emotional barriers we allow within ourselves to protect us from the thing that we ultimately cause to happen because of those actions/reactions. It’s mind numbing.
The thing we must focus on, that I need to remind myself of often, is that those feelings are not CHRISTLIKE…
• Galatians 5:19-21: The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage.
• Philippians 4:6-7: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
• 1 Peter 3:3–4: "Do not let your adorning be external, but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart."
But “HOW do I do it” you may ask?
Romans 12:2 “Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”
I have no idea how to stop “feeling” what I “feel”, but here’s where I’m starting. First, I’m in the process of changing my current medication. More importantly: I am trying to stop watching aggressive, “I am worth more”, “I was hurt and they need to pay”, “everyone else sucks and is mean and you are perfect” social media rants and posts, I’ve been actively noticing how some of these intended “feel good” posts actually solicit unGodly reactions and emotions. I am focusing only on love and positive influences that point to God’s written word. I read my bible daily, trusting God to surround me even on the days I don’t understand a word I’ve read or am unable to form a thought. I am listening to music that only points to God’s wisdom and instruction. I am only reading information that supports growth instead of selfish wants/ambitions, self-protection, self-fulfillment: self, self, self.
And I remind myself daily: God died for you. He believes in you. He will never leave you. He LOVES YOU. But this life is not about YOU, it's about GOD. You indeed must learn to wade before you can swim...I am not “all better”. I still have a long way to go on my journey to finding security and worth within myself through Christ. I have demons I still fight like “you’re not pretty because the right person doesn’t tell you that you’re beautiful.” I fight jealousy of other women and still daily compare my intellect to those who are smarter than me or seem more together than me. I still struggle to see the worth in the child that God created…
HOWEVER…
Every day is a new lesson, a new hope, a new message, a new wave. And I can promise you this, I’m a heck of a lot better than I was 10 months ago: mentally, spiritually and in living with intention. So, keep your head up, be proud of how far you’ve come and stop allowing Satan’s lies to overrun God’s truth. Pray and trust God's got you...Much Love and High Tide,-A-